Slip Ups 101: Lust

“Basically, until I have said “I do” and my wedding ceremony has ended listen my legs are closed and unavailable. Lord, may I be strong in my decision to stay celibate until marriage I know my reasons for wanting to do this!”

~ From my Struggles of a Young Christian Woman Part 2: Sex blog post

*Fast forward about 1 and a half months later*

When you come to the realisation that there are some issues that young Christians deal with that its not enough to rely on your own strength to conquer. So I will be real I recently slipped up because of lust I can’t believe that I made so many errors and put myself in a situation instead of fleeing. I feel like I took like 10 steps forward and 20 steps back! I was even hesitant to write this because I felt like I would be a hypocrite especially after my previous blog posts but at the same time this is an opportunity to vent and lay it all out. 

Let’s just say a solo trip ended up not being so solo. As soon as he pulled out, I felt overwhelmed with guilt and disappointment. Then I started having pull out clarity like “Chi, were those few minutes of pleasure really worth your life and salvation”. Then self-condemnation was beginning to kick in and thoughts from the enemy started crossing my mind such as “there’s no way past this” or ” there’s no point carrying on my walk with God because I’m a hypocrite”. Feelings of being taken for a mug and not good enough for any man were surfacing making me realise that I have a deeper problem, a void that only God can fill and fix. But then as I was getting ready, tears were rolling down my eyes and I was in the position I was in two years ago with a desperate urge and need to confess my sins and repent. 

I woke up the next morning and whilst I was in and out of sleep I saw a mind map in my mind. It was showing me two paths that I can take after my slip up. I can either go down path B where I run away from God which is a path of self destruction, repetition and disobedience  to the point of complete brokenness that the restoration required would be much more than if I take path A where I face God and confess my sins to Him and not wallowing in self condemnation. I will still renew my mind daily whilst taking the steps ti get to where God needs me to be. These two paths remind me of David and Jonah. Path B reminded me of Jonah because he disobeyed God and went the other direction but through all the mishaps still eneded up delivering God’s message to Ninevah. Path A reminds of David because of Psalm 51, David confessed his sins to God straight away after his mishaps. Literally, Psalm 51:10 has been a reality check for me. I really do need a clean heart and a renewed right spirit. I certainly never want God’s presence to leave me, I am nothing without Him and he has been so faithful to me EVEN through all my mistakes and the messes I have made for myself. 

I know it’s a daily process for me to die to my fleshly desires and take my thoughts captive. The thoughts will creep in just because of human nature but I try and focus on what the word of God says about it I don’t want to use my human nature as an excuse to go against a vow between me and God.

~ From my Struggles of a Young Christian Woman Part 2: Sex blog post

I am still feeling some type of way as to why I allowed my desires to take over so much but then its hit me that there is nothing I can do to change it but what I can do is look forward and focus on how to be better and stronger. For a start, lust is a real thing that you need God to handle and the Holy Spirit to help you deal with it so that I don’t make reckless decisions and play with my body clock due to carelessness and temporary wants. It is so so important that I begin to take active steps to never put myself in such situation in fact, I really should just flee from all manner of temptations. I can’t describe how good it feels to be real and transparent in all areas of my life with God. Therefore, accepting my mistakes, correcting myself when I’m wrong and being open about it will help me to overcome this setback and never look towards it again. I’m not going to get it right all the time but its important for me to take accountability and not use the fact that I am not perfect as an excuse to carry on in the same pattern. The road after repenting is going to long but as long as it it has paved out for me by God then by fire and by force I need to go down that path!

Thanks for reading and I hope at least one person is encouraged by this post. Stay tuned for my YouTube video on this topic coming out soon

Love Chi xo